I’ve always liked meeting people organically. Knowing right away whether or not there was any spark between you. I was terrified of being set up so I usually never allowed it to happen. Until one day my best friend Gavin told me he had the perfect guy for me. He proceeded to tell me all about his friend Damon, who according to him was incredibly hot. He said Damon was tall and gorgeous with wavy black hair and blue eyes. Apparently Damon also happened to be a billionaire. A hot billionaire did sound pretty tempting. I asked more questions about Damon and learned he was a billionaire because his family had invented Ziploc. I got a little nervous when Gavin kept saying things like Damon is a little bit out there, but he’s a great guy. Or that Damon is definitely a bit eccentric, but I think he just needs the right woman who understands him. I decided what the hell, I’d go out with him once and see how it went.
Damon called and we set up our date for the following Friday evening. I decided that I needed a new outfit, one suitable for a date with a billionaire, so Gavin and I went shopping. I couldn’t really afford the new dress, black patent leather heels, or overpriced clutch purse I bought but I figured it was like an investment. Gavin agreed and we proceeded to discuss all the things we would get to do when I was married to the billionaire.
Friday came around and Damon called to ask if I could meet him around 1:00 pm since he had plans later on. He figured we could meet for lunch. I was very close to saying, "sure thing, we can meet for lunch, and if you could just reimburse me for the outfit I spent way to much on for the evening date we had planned that’d be super." I instead took a deep breath and told him I’d thought we were planning to meet up in the evening, and I was busy until then. He told me he would see if he could rearrange his plans. He called back a few minutes later and said he’d rescheduled and we were on for the evening. We planned to meet at a trendy bar for some cocktails and then play it by ear after that.
When I saw Damon, I was slightly disappointed. Gavin had exaggerated a bit on how drop-dead gorgeous he was, and with my heels on we were about the same height which I don’t usually consider “tall." He was cute enough though and seemed pretty friendly so far. We ordered martinis and got to know each other. It seemed to be going well. After drinks he asked if I wanted to go to his house and hang out. That we’d drive together and he’d bring me back later for my car. I figured it was safe enough to go with him. He was friends with Gavin so he most likely wasn’t a rapist or murderer, plus I was extremely curious to see where he lived.
When we got to his house, after being greeted by his 3 large and very enthusiastic dogs, he gave me a tour of the place. It was obvious to me that he had just recently moved in what with the extremely expensive paintings stacked in a corner together instead of on the wall, and the only furniture appeared to be his large expensive bed and a couch. Also there were a ton of boxes in the living room which were open but full, and the backyard, although it had an amazing view of the city, was in desperate need of a gardener. He showed me the area in the backyard where he had the garden of marijuana plants he apparently was growing. I asked him how many weeks he'd lived here and during the long silent pause which followed my question I’m certain I heard crickets. He then shared that he had lived here for 6 years. I tried to smile and nod as if I thought it was completely normal for a billionaire who could hire any help he needed to live like a completely disorganized slob. He then lit a joint which I could see was obviously something he was passionate about. We talked for a couple hours and then he kissed me which was surprisingly not bad. It was getting pretty late and we’d both been drinking so we started to fall asleep. He suggested I stay and he would drive me back in the morning to get my car. I hesitated but he assured me he would be on his best behavior so I agreed and stayed. Apparently I wasn’t the only one welcome in his bed as he called all 3 of his huge dogs to jump up there and snuggle in with us for the evening. Super comfy for me and just the romantic evening I’d imagined.
In the morning when I woke up to one of the dogs licking my face instead of breakfast in bed I was ready for this date to be over. I told Damon I needed to get going and he drove me back to my car. I had parked it in a parking structure so he stopped at the front of it and let me out, saying he’d call me soon. As I started walking into the lot I realized two things. First thing being that I had no idea where I’d parked my car in this four level lot, and also that the sign said any car parked here for more then 8 hours would have to pay a $40 flat rate fee. Wonderful. How thoughtful of Damon to not drive me in to make sure I got to my car o.k. and also not to think about what it might have cost me to park here overnight.
Over the next couple of days Damon called a few times and left the most perplexing messages. One of them simply said “Hey it’s me, takin the dogs out” and then click. That was the whole message. I didn’t know which was more bizarre, that after one date he thought it was acceptable to say ‘this is me’ or the fact that all he wanted me to know was he was taking the dogs out. When we spoke again he asked if he could take me to a yoga class the next day. I had never been to a yoga class and he seemed really eager for me to go so I agreed. Since I thought he was “taking me” I was a little surprised when he gave me the time to meet him and the address of the studio. He told me to wait in the front for him and said he had a yoga mat I could borrow so I assumed he’d definitely be paying for me to get in as well. Well the class started at 11 and he said to meet him at 10:40. I was there waiting by 10:35. Figured he would be there any second by 10:40. Started getting a little worried by 10:45 and really annoyed by 10:50. And by 10:55 I had been talked into purchasing my very own yoga mat as well as a 2 week unlimited yoga pass to this studio by the people who had been looking at me with pity for the last 20 minutes thinking I’d definitely been stood up. He comes running in at about 10:59 and seemed surprised that I had already paid for myself and bought a mat. He apologized and I mumbled something about it being fine which I was clearly lying about. I tried to find a Zen mood during yoga that made me not want to strangle the billionaire I could no longer afford to date because it was costing me too much. After class he gave me an awkward hug and drove off in his car. No offering to maybe get lunch or even a kiss goodbye. I figured he perhaps wasn’t interested anymore which was fine with me at this point. But sure enough later that afternoon I got another message with the much needed update that he was “takin the dogs out.” I decided that if he made a huge effort to wine and dine me or at least stop appearing crazy and self centered I might give him one more chance.
He called often and usually just wanted me to come hang out at his house or go to yoga and I always made excuses for why I was busy. I figured since we had a mutual friend I didn’t want to be rude and I’d just blow him off slowly. One night we were talking and somehow being set up on dates came up. I was expressing that I wasn’t a fan of it and he told me that normally he would agree but then we would never have met, and how with us it had worked out really well. Was this guy for real? I was beginning to think he was clearly delusional. I didn’t even know how to respond to him so I made up an excuse to get off the phone.
One night he actually suggested we go meet up with his friends at a really expensive fancy restaurant I’d always wanted to try. I agreed to go because I felt like I deserved a nice date for even humoring this strange man. I said I would meet him at his place and we’d drive together. When I got to his house dressed up and ready to be taken out, he answered the door with a robe on and a joint in his hand and asked if I minded just staying in instead, he wasn’t really up for going out tonight. I was so irritated at this point that exactly what I said is a bit of a blur. I believe it was something along the lines of “yes I do mind. I’m going out tonight but you by all means stay here with your garden of weed and your yoga mats. You may also want to consider actually moving into your house one of these days. Oh, and I don’t care if you’re “taking the dogs out”, refrain from calling me to let me know. Actually refrain from calling me period.” I slammed the door on my way out and felt pretty empowered by what had just happened. Then I got home and realized I had dog shit on one of my favorite heels and that feeling went away pretty quickly. I now had a ruined suede shoe to replace. I could not believe how much dating this billionaire had cost me. Needless to say Damon the billionaire and I didn’t speak again, Gavin apologized for setting me up with a crazy, and I refuse to buy Ziploc bags to this day.
