During the 3 months I spent living in Arizona, (yes, I only lasted 3 months…do you know how hot it gets there?!) my best friends Gavin and Raven used to come out almost every other weekend to visit. Partly because they missed me, and partly because I now had an apartment which made every day seem like a vacation at a nice resort. The rent in Arizona was ridiculously cheap, so I was able to afford an amazing place that almost had me believing I was extremely wealthy. We’d spend those weekends by the pool during the day, and out dancing and mingling with cocktails in hand by night.
One of those nights we were out dancing at a popular place in Scottsdale, only it wasn’t a club and there wasn’t really a dance floor. After our 3rd martini, we decided it was our responsibility to all tipsy people, ourselves included, to create a dance floor. So we did. Not only did we create a dance floor, but Raven and I must have also thought we were filming a music video since we created an entire dance routine and eventually we had an audience. At the time we thought it was because we were so hot and doing so well with our dancing, looking back I’m pretty certain everyone was just making fun of the drunk girls. Gavin was amongst the spectators, and enjoyed watching us make fools of ourselves while taking many pictures to use later for blackmailing purposes. During our dance routine I noticed a very cute boy standing off to the side watching me and smiling. I smiled at him and pulled him onto the “dance floor” with me. He seemed flattered and he was a good sport about dancing with me. When the song was over he asked if he could buy me a drink so we went over to the bar. It was when we started talking by the bar that I detected his British accent. His name was Sean…from England. That’s how he introduced himself, “I’m Sean, from England!” “Well, hello “Shon from In-glend!” I’d said, trying to use my best British accent while repeating his catch phrase. He seemed to think it was adorable. It was most likely not at all adorable and actually quite obnoxious, but he was seemingly smitten so it apparently didn’t matter what I said. I told him he looked exactly like Hugh Grant. He didn’t look anything like Hugh Grant, but with drunk goggles on, all I could make out clearly was the accent. He also had a very high pitched voice for a man which I overlooked at the time. We chatted for the rest of the evening until finally Gavin and Raven were ready to leave. I told them I didn’t want to leave, that I wanted to stay with “Shon from In-glend!” They did not seem nearly as amused as Sean had by my attempt at a British accent. They pulled me aside and asked if I’d be alright with this guy if they left me, I told them I’d be fine and to take my key. They made sure they got Sean’s phone # and then left.
After the bar closed we decided to walk off the alcohol. We walked and talked for what must have been hours. I can’t be sure of exactly what we discussed, I just know that we did quite a bit of comparing words that we said differently, for example trash can. He called it a litter bin. He talked about us being “pissed”, and I thought he meant angry but he meant drunk. These comparisons were so cute and funny to us then, so on our meaningless conversation went. At one point we ended up at a park where we proceeded to make out on a park bench until I noticed the sun coming up and told him I really needed to get home. He asked if he could take me out that day for lunch because he was leaving that evening to go back to England and just had see me once more. I told him he could come by later after I’d slept for a while.
When I woke up I’d almost forgotten about “Shon from In-glend,” due to the attention I had to put on my massive headache and hangover, until there was a knock at my door. It was Sean, standing there with the biggest and most beautiful bouquet of flowers I’d ever seen. Wow. He handed them to me with a boyish grin on his face. He told me he knew I must get flowers every day but he wanted to bring me some anyway. (Umm…sure…every single day….had he ever met an American man?) I told him I’d woken up late but would meet him in just a little while after I got ready. We spent some sober time together before he left and, while he was still fairly cute, without the alcohol I found we didn’t have a whole lot to talk about. There’s only so many times I can discuss how adorable it is that I say trash and he says rubbish, so I was slightly relieved to say goodbye to Sean. After our goodbye kiss, he said he wouldn’t wash his lips so that my kiss would always stay with him. Was this guy for real?
A couple of days later, I got a call from Sean. When I answered he said, “Parker! It’s ‘Shon from In-glend!’, calling you from England!” and he chuckled. I tried not to gag. We talked for a few minutes, and I couldn’t believe he was paying international fees to make more jokes about litter bins and rubbish. Does this guy have anything else to talk about? He did have more to talk about. He told me he was now unable to walk by a park bench without thinking of me. He sighed and told me he hadn’t been able to eat anything but half a biscuit since he left, he couldn’t sleep either, all he could do was think about me. Can we go back to talking about litter bins please? I told Sean he should really eat something, that it wasn't healthy not to, and that I had to run but thanks so much for calling all the way from England. He sighed and said I’d be in his dreams. Groan. I said my goodbyes and told him we’d talk soon. I didn’t really mean that, but he took it literally and called the next night. This continued for a while until finally he asked if he could come back out and visit me. I had to come up with something quick for this not to happen. I knew I wouldn't be able to stand days on end of “Shon from In-glend” and his lack of conversational skills. The charm of the accent had begun to wear off and, while the flowers were nice, this whole “I can’t eat, sleep or wash my lips” thing was a bit much. I told him the first thing that came to mind. That I had a boyfriend. I’d met someone after he left and it was getting very serious. Since my serious boyfriend lived in America, I felt it important for me to pursue this relationship. He asked what his name was. I named my fake boyfriend Matthew. He got very quiet, then asked me if he had been “Shon from America” instead of “Shon from In-glend”, if things would be different. I sighed internally, then lied and told him yes, things would be much different. I told him I had to go, Matthew would be waiting, but to take care of himself.
A couple of days later I got another call from Sean saying he wanted to talk to me about something very important. I braced myself. He said he’d been thinking a lot, (that was his first mistake), and he wanted to come live in the states for a while, to really give things a go with us. He said he didn’t have anything tying him down in England and he couldn’t bear the thought of always wondering what could have been if he’d only tried harder. After one drunken night in a park? Really?! I told Sean that, while I was flattered, I really couldn’t do that to Matthew. It just wouldn’t be fair or right. I hoped my fake boyfriend appreciated what I was giving up for our relationship. Sean said that he understood, even though it made his heart feel sad and lonesome, and he knew he wouldn’t be able to eat for a bit. I wished he would stop saying things of that nature.
Sean stopped calling for the most part after that, wanting to be respectful of my “relationship”, however he did call me on my birthday, which I thought was so sweet of him to even remember. And to this day “Shon from In-glend” still sends an email to me on every single birthday. He may not have been the guy for me, but I have to hand it to him for always being a true gentleman. If only he’d been a little less of a girl, his voice had been lower, he actually had looked like Hugh Grant, and he learned how to have a real conversation, we could have really had something there.
StatCounter
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Thursday, August 19, 2010
The Snoop
I was invited to my at-the-time agent’s Christmas party, and wasn’t going to attend since I usually hate those industry parties full of all-about-me actors. The day of the party my friend Raven heard about it and insisted I go and take her as my date. With a sigh I agreed. After being at the party for about 10 minutes I was bored and ready to leave. I had left Raven to say my obligatory hello to my agent, and when I scanned the crowd to find her, I saw she was being hit on by a cute blonde boy. I went over and after she introduced us I told her I was ready to go when she was. To blonde guy’s left I saw his friend standing there staring at me with a big smile on his face. He introduced himself and shook my hand.
His name was Alex. He was an actor who was also represented by my agent. He was very cute, but I was in no mood to chat and was very ready to exchange this party for my couch and a movie. He wasn’t giving up so easily though. He asked me all about myself, and I had no choice, since Raven seemed perfectly content chatting away with his friend and oblivious to my rescue stares, but to carry on a conversation with him. He asked if I’d like a drink and I figured it might help my mood so I said I’d love one. We sipped our vodka tonics and after a while I started really warming up to Alex. At one point he got pulled away for an introduction to some producer, and after he was gone for at least 10 minutes, I decided it was time to leave this party. Raven and I were heading out the door when he grabbed my arm and said, “Wait! Where are you going?” I opened my mouth to say home, but Raven blurted out that we were going to a nearby bar for a change of scenery and that he should join us there later. I gave her a dirty look and he smiled at her then asked for my number. I gave it to him and he said he’d love to meet up later on.
We left and Raven started talking about how cute he was, while I pointed out that he was still an actor, which I don’t usually date since they have a tendency to be egotistical narcissists. We went to the bar and I tried to hide the fact that I was secretly hoping he’d show up. When closing time rolled around with no Alex, I told Raven I was heading home. On my way home, as I tried telling myself I wasn’t disappointed he hadn't shown up, Alex called. I answered with a big smile on my face and we talked for about an hour. He told me he was so sorry he couldn’t join us, but our agent had him running around a bit for her, and he couldn’t get out of there as quickly as he’d hoped. At the end of our conversation he asked if he could take me to dinner and I said of course.
The next evening he picked me up and took me to an amazing steakhouse where we drank martinis, had a delicious dinner, and some of the best conversation I’d ever had. By the time he dropped me off and we'd had our first kiss, we were both obviously smitten.
For our next date he wanted to make me dinner, and when I showed up at his place he answered the door with a huge bouquet of flowers and made a fantastic meal. He was scoring big points. As I was looking around his apartment later on, I saw a picture of him dressed in a tux which appeared to be taken at a wedding. I asked whose wedding it was and he said it was his. Umm...Red flag. Your wedding?! After I gave him what must have been a horrendous look, he quickly explained that he was divorced, and proceeded to tell me about her having an affair, and the other reasons the relationship hadn’t worked. I was disappointed he'd been previously married but relieved that he wasn't still. By the end of the evening we had both decided we wanted to take it slow as far as sleeping together since we wanted it to be special and really get to know each other first.
We spent the next month becoming the best of friends (the kind of friends that make out a lot). We were inseparable and having the time of our lives. By the time we finally did have sex, it was the best of my life. We were falling in love but I was definitely not going to be the one to say it first. That is until the night someone drugged my drink.
We were out with our friends and at one point I left my drink unattended. The next thing I knew I woke up in the morning next to Alex. I had a massive headache and remembered nothing, but had only had 2 beers. Apparently I went from fine to falling over within the hour. At the time Alex was confused and took me home, carried me up the stairs, and at the door I looked at him and said “Alex, I love you sooo much”, right before I passed out completely. When he told me the story I had a look of horror on my face and told him I hadn’t planned on saying that. At least not before he had and preferably not under the influence of drugs. He told me he’d said it back which helped a little. After some detective work we realized someone must have slipped something in my drink due to all of my odd symptoms.
Our relationship continued to grow stronger and I thought, Finally! This is the normal, healthy, loving relationship I’ve been waiting for! And then Alex’s demons started to reveal themselves.
The first occurrence happened one day when I had to go to work early and Alex had spent the night. I didn’t want him to have to wake up early, so I told him to sleep in and lock the door on his way out. Later that evening when he came over, he seemed really upset. I asked what was bothering him and he told me that he’d seen a Valentine’s Day present on my dresser, (an early present from my Mom, she gives me one every year and makes me wait until the holiday to open it) he told me he’d seen the card which had “From your biggest fan!” written on it, (my Mom is my biggest fan), that he’d opened the bag and seen a picture of me and “some guy” in it, (my brother Kyle and I which my Mom had framed), and after he told me all this he waited for my response, clearly thinking his snooping would be overlooked since he’d caught me red handed. I looked at him and told him he was about to feel like the biggest jack ass on the planet, and proceeded to tell him the truth about what he’d found. He looked down sheepishly and began to apologize profusely. He said he apparently still had some trust issues. Gee, you think? I expressed how disappointed I was. I told him I didn’t do well with the jealousy, invasion of privacy thing, and that if our relationship was going to work it couldn’t happen again. He said it wouldn’t, apologized again, and I dropped it. But then it did happen again.
We had just gotten back from a weekend getaway and I hadn’t unpacked my bag yet. The following weekend I stayed at Raven’s house for a couple of days, and the day after I got back from her house, Alex spent the night. I left him in my apartment while I went to work and that night he came over upset. He told me he’d looked through my overnight bag and wondered why, if I’d only been at Raven’s, I had packed sexy lingerie. I told him he was an idiot, that was the bag from our trip I hadn’t unpacked yet, and that I was through with his shady snooping. He again apologized and we dropped it but as more things of this nature continued, it began damaging our relationship. We began fighting quite a bit.
Then came the fateful day when our relationship really fell apart, and also the day I realized tequila and I could never be friends. I was in a play and had developed what I thought was a harmless crush on the director. It was closing night and Alex came to the show with a buddy of his. I asked him to stay after the show for the cast party. It was being held at the theater since it had a bar built in. He said he was going to a party instead with his buddy. I was pissed. This was a last straw kind of moment for me, and what I should have done was to tell Alex we needed a break. Since I apparently wanted to make things more complicated for myself, this is what happened instead. Alex left after the show and the cast and crew started drinking shots of tequila. Most of the cast started to leave until there were only 4 of us left, including myself and the director. Alex called and I told him I’d be leaving shortly and that I’d come over when I was done. The next thing I know the shots of tequila took over and I woke up lying on the couch next to the passed out director. I heard pounding on the theater door. Uh oh. More knocking as I tried to clear my head and remember what had happened and how I’d ended up on this couch. I began to get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach as I had flashbacks of the only scattered moments I could recall from the evening. Shit, I made out with my director. I knew it was Alex pounding on the door and I panicked as I tried to think of what to tell him. The truth seemed way too frightening, but the only lie I could think of was: Alex, I am actually at home in bed right now. This isn’t really happening, you’re just having a nightmare. I didn’t think he’d buy it. I woke up my director and told him he had to hide, my boyfriend was at the door and it would be in his best interest to not be present when I opened it. I opened the door to a furious and worried looking Alex. He asked what the hell had happened, why I hadn’t come home. I told him I passed out, I’d had too much to drink, I apologized. He looked around and asked if someone was there, if something had happened. I told him nothing had happened, I just fell asleep on the couch, and asked him to just please take me home. He didn’t look convinced but finally agreed and we left. The next day I realized that, due to the fact I’d made out with my director then lied about it, I should break up with Alex, at least for now until I could clear my head. I told him I thought we should take a break for a while. He didn’t want the break but reluctantly agreed.
During this break I missed Alex, but felt that we would get back together when we both gained some perspective and could start fresh. What I didn’t realize was that one of the 4 people who had been at the cast party was friends with Alex’s roommate, and she had seen me making out with the director. Small world. I was caught in a lie but didn’t yet know it. I knew something wasn’t right when Alex wouldn't return any of my calls. I finally went to his house and when he saw it was me at the door he wouldn’t even speak to me. He closed the door in my face. I pushed it open and refused to leave until he told me what was going on. It wasn’t fun to hear that he knew I’d lied and cheated.
I called a couple of days later and apologized profusely, and asked if we could try again. He actually agreed to give it another try, however he never let go of what had happened. I finally told him that he either had to let the past go, or let me go, because otherwise this wasn’t going to work. What he did, instead of letting it go, was cheat on me. He had sex with a girl he worked with. The last thing I’d ever expected from Alex was cheating. When he told me what had happened I felt devastated. At this point the obvious and best choice would’ve been to put an end to this clearly damaged relationship full of mistakes, but instead I decided to give him another chance. I figured, in my screwed up logic, that now we were even. That maybe since we had both messed up we could start fresh and move forward. Of course I was wrong.
Our relationship continued to get even worse. Now neither of us had a solid foundation of trust, and Alex continued to blame me not only for my mistake but for his mistake as well. Anytime a fight would come up, he’d throw what I did in my face. When I’d point out that he’d also cheated and on an even bigger scale, his defense would be that he would never have cheated if I hadn’t done it to him first. I couldn’t win. So I decided for the both of us that we needed to break up. We remained “friends” and did that thing couples sometimes do, where they still see each other from time to time after breaking up, pretending it’s a normal, healthy thing to do. Then I started seeing someone else I’d recently met and started distancing myself from Alex, and Alex became a bit of a psycho stalker.
Gavin was over one day and we thought we heard something outside on the lawn. We peeked out through the curtains and saw Alex standing behind a tree in my front yard trying to look in through my window. When he saw the curtains move he ran away. I found out that he had a neighbor who worked as a private investigator and Alex actually hired him to follow me. When I stayed overnight at the new guy’s house I came out to find a note on my car that said: I hope this guy is worth it since he’s destroying our relationship. He obviously forgot that we had broken up. He had somehow gotten new guy’s phone # and left him a voice mail, warning him about all of the things that were wrong with me and told him to be careful if he was planning on dating me. How thoughtful of him to be so concerned about new guy. I decided it was time to cut all ties with Alex. We had really destroyed something that seemed so amazing initially. It seemed like such a shame, but I guess that’s life for you. Live and learn, and that’s what I decided to do. I moved on, literally. I up and moved to Arizona where my sister lived. I decided I needed a change of scenery and to flee the scene of the crime seemed like the best way to get it. As angry as I was with all of his actions, I still cared about Alex. I hoped in time that we could be friends again one day but that was wishful thinking. I realized the past belongs in the past and in order for a new door to open, you have to close the one behind you first. So that’s what I did. I closed the door on a great love and looked forward to seeing what I had in store for me behind the doors of the future.
His name was Alex. He was an actor who was also represented by my agent. He was very cute, but I was in no mood to chat and was very ready to exchange this party for my couch and a movie. He wasn’t giving up so easily though. He asked me all about myself, and I had no choice, since Raven seemed perfectly content chatting away with his friend and oblivious to my rescue stares, but to carry on a conversation with him. He asked if I’d like a drink and I figured it might help my mood so I said I’d love one. We sipped our vodka tonics and after a while I started really warming up to Alex. At one point he got pulled away for an introduction to some producer, and after he was gone for at least 10 minutes, I decided it was time to leave this party. Raven and I were heading out the door when he grabbed my arm and said, “Wait! Where are you going?” I opened my mouth to say home, but Raven blurted out that we were going to a nearby bar for a change of scenery and that he should join us there later. I gave her a dirty look and he smiled at her then asked for my number. I gave it to him and he said he’d love to meet up later on.
We left and Raven started talking about how cute he was, while I pointed out that he was still an actor, which I don’t usually date since they have a tendency to be egotistical narcissists. We went to the bar and I tried to hide the fact that I was secretly hoping he’d show up. When closing time rolled around with no Alex, I told Raven I was heading home. On my way home, as I tried telling myself I wasn’t disappointed he hadn't shown up, Alex called. I answered with a big smile on my face and we talked for about an hour. He told me he was so sorry he couldn’t join us, but our agent had him running around a bit for her, and he couldn’t get out of there as quickly as he’d hoped. At the end of our conversation he asked if he could take me to dinner and I said of course.
The next evening he picked me up and took me to an amazing steakhouse where we drank martinis, had a delicious dinner, and some of the best conversation I’d ever had. By the time he dropped me off and we'd had our first kiss, we were both obviously smitten.
For our next date he wanted to make me dinner, and when I showed up at his place he answered the door with a huge bouquet of flowers and made a fantastic meal. He was scoring big points. As I was looking around his apartment later on, I saw a picture of him dressed in a tux which appeared to be taken at a wedding. I asked whose wedding it was and he said it was his. Umm...Red flag. Your wedding?! After I gave him what must have been a horrendous look, he quickly explained that he was divorced, and proceeded to tell me about her having an affair, and the other reasons the relationship hadn’t worked. I was disappointed he'd been previously married but relieved that he wasn't still. By the end of the evening we had both decided we wanted to take it slow as far as sleeping together since we wanted it to be special and really get to know each other first.
We spent the next month becoming the best of friends (the kind of friends that make out a lot). We were inseparable and having the time of our lives. By the time we finally did have sex, it was the best of my life. We were falling in love but I was definitely not going to be the one to say it first. That is until the night someone drugged my drink.
We were out with our friends and at one point I left my drink unattended. The next thing I knew I woke up in the morning next to Alex. I had a massive headache and remembered nothing, but had only had 2 beers. Apparently I went from fine to falling over within the hour. At the time Alex was confused and took me home, carried me up the stairs, and at the door I looked at him and said “Alex, I love you sooo much”, right before I passed out completely. When he told me the story I had a look of horror on my face and told him I hadn’t planned on saying that. At least not before he had and preferably not under the influence of drugs. He told me he’d said it back which helped a little. After some detective work we realized someone must have slipped something in my drink due to all of my odd symptoms.
Our relationship continued to grow stronger and I thought, Finally! This is the normal, healthy, loving relationship I’ve been waiting for! And then Alex’s demons started to reveal themselves.
The first occurrence happened one day when I had to go to work early and Alex had spent the night. I didn’t want him to have to wake up early, so I told him to sleep in and lock the door on his way out. Later that evening when he came over, he seemed really upset. I asked what was bothering him and he told me that he’d seen a Valentine’s Day present on my dresser, (an early present from my Mom, she gives me one every year and makes me wait until the holiday to open it) he told me he’d seen the card which had “From your biggest fan!” written on it, (my Mom is my biggest fan), that he’d opened the bag and seen a picture of me and “some guy” in it, (my brother Kyle and I which my Mom had framed), and after he told me all this he waited for my response, clearly thinking his snooping would be overlooked since he’d caught me red handed. I looked at him and told him he was about to feel like the biggest jack ass on the planet, and proceeded to tell him the truth about what he’d found. He looked down sheepishly and began to apologize profusely. He said he apparently still had some trust issues. Gee, you think? I expressed how disappointed I was. I told him I didn’t do well with the jealousy, invasion of privacy thing, and that if our relationship was going to work it couldn’t happen again. He said it wouldn’t, apologized again, and I dropped it. But then it did happen again.
We had just gotten back from a weekend getaway and I hadn’t unpacked my bag yet. The following weekend I stayed at Raven’s house for a couple of days, and the day after I got back from her house, Alex spent the night. I left him in my apartment while I went to work and that night he came over upset. He told me he’d looked through my overnight bag and wondered why, if I’d only been at Raven’s, I had packed sexy lingerie. I told him he was an idiot, that was the bag from our trip I hadn’t unpacked yet, and that I was through with his shady snooping. He again apologized and we dropped it but as more things of this nature continued, it began damaging our relationship. We began fighting quite a bit.
Then came the fateful day when our relationship really fell apart, and also the day I realized tequila and I could never be friends. I was in a play and had developed what I thought was a harmless crush on the director. It was closing night and Alex came to the show with a buddy of his. I asked him to stay after the show for the cast party. It was being held at the theater since it had a bar built in. He said he was going to a party instead with his buddy. I was pissed. This was a last straw kind of moment for me, and what I should have done was to tell Alex we needed a break. Since I apparently wanted to make things more complicated for myself, this is what happened instead. Alex left after the show and the cast and crew started drinking shots of tequila. Most of the cast started to leave until there were only 4 of us left, including myself and the director. Alex called and I told him I’d be leaving shortly and that I’d come over when I was done. The next thing I know the shots of tequila took over and I woke up lying on the couch next to the passed out director. I heard pounding on the theater door. Uh oh. More knocking as I tried to clear my head and remember what had happened and how I’d ended up on this couch. I began to get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach as I had flashbacks of the only scattered moments I could recall from the evening. Shit, I made out with my director. I knew it was Alex pounding on the door and I panicked as I tried to think of what to tell him. The truth seemed way too frightening, but the only lie I could think of was: Alex, I am actually at home in bed right now. This isn’t really happening, you’re just having a nightmare. I didn’t think he’d buy it. I woke up my director and told him he had to hide, my boyfriend was at the door and it would be in his best interest to not be present when I opened it. I opened the door to a furious and worried looking Alex. He asked what the hell had happened, why I hadn’t come home. I told him I passed out, I’d had too much to drink, I apologized. He looked around and asked if someone was there, if something had happened. I told him nothing had happened, I just fell asleep on the couch, and asked him to just please take me home. He didn’t look convinced but finally agreed and we left. The next day I realized that, due to the fact I’d made out with my director then lied about it, I should break up with Alex, at least for now until I could clear my head. I told him I thought we should take a break for a while. He didn’t want the break but reluctantly agreed.
During this break I missed Alex, but felt that we would get back together when we both gained some perspective and could start fresh. What I didn’t realize was that one of the 4 people who had been at the cast party was friends with Alex’s roommate, and she had seen me making out with the director. Small world. I was caught in a lie but didn’t yet know it. I knew something wasn’t right when Alex wouldn't return any of my calls. I finally went to his house and when he saw it was me at the door he wouldn’t even speak to me. He closed the door in my face. I pushed it open and refused to leave until he told me what was going on. It wasn’t fun to hear that he knew I’d lied and cheated.
I called a couple of days later and apologized profusely, and asked if we could try again. He actually agreed to give it another try, however he never let go of what had happened. I finally told him that he either had to let the past go, or let me go, because otherwise this wasn’t going to work. What he did, instead of letting it go, was cheat on me. He had sex with a girl he worked with. The last thing I’d ever expected from Alex was cheating. When he told me what had happened I felt devastated. At this point the obvious and best choice would’ve been to put an end to this clearly damaged relationship full of mistakes, but instead I decided to give him another chance. I figured, in my screwed up logic, that now we were even. That maybe since we had both messed up we could start fresh and move forward. Of course I was wrong.
Our relationship continued to get even worse. Now neither of us had a solid foundation of trust, and Alex continued to blame me not only for my mistake but for his mistake as well. Anytime a fight would come up, he’d throw what I did in my face. When I’d point out that he’d also cheated and on an even bigger scale, his defense would be that he would never have cheated if I hadn’t done it to him first. I couldn’t win. So I decided for the both of us that we needed to break up. We remained “friends” and did that thing couples sometimes do, where they still see each other from time to time after breaking up, pretending it’s a normal, healthy thing to do. Then I started seeing someone else I’d recently met and started distancing myself from Alex, and Alex became a bit of a psycho stalker.
Gavin was over one day and we thought we heard something outside on the lawn. We peeked out through the curtains and saw Alex standing behind a tree in my front yard trying to look in through my window. When he saw the curtains move he ran away. I found out that he had a neighbor who worked as a private investigator and Alex actually hired him to follow me. When I stayed overnight at the new guy’s house I came out to find a note on my car that said: I hope this guy is worth it since he’s destroying our relationship. He obviously forgot that we had broken up. He had somehow gotten new guy’s phone # and left him a voice mail, warning him about all of the things that were wrong with me and told him to be careful if he was planning on dating me. How thoughtful of him to be so concerned about new guy. I decided it was time to cut all ties with Alex. We had really destroyed something that seemed so amazing initially. It seemed like such a shame, but I guess that’s life for you. Live and learn, and that’s what I decided to do. I moved on, literally. I up and moved to Arizona where my sister lived. I decided I needed a change of scenery and to flee the scene of the crime seemed like the best way to get it. As angry as I was with all of his actions, I still cared about Alex. I hoped in time that we could be friends again one day but that was wishful thinking. I realized the past belongs in the past and in order for a new door to open, you have to close the one behind you first. So that’s what I did. I closed the door on a great love and looked forward to seeing what I had in store for me behind the doors of the future.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
The Sober Bartender
There was a local bar where my friends and I had become regulars. Part of the reason we loved it was because of Bill the bartender. Bill had a huge crush on me which he was not shy about expressing. We never paid for a single drink while he was working which was the main reason we went there so often. He flirted with me relentlessly and would always ask me to go on a date with him. I always playfully refused. I told him I didn’t date bartenders, which was partially true, but there were a couple of other reasons I didn’t want to go out with him. Reason 1: If it didn’t work out with Bill, I didn’t want to ruin our favorite hang out spot. Reason 2: Bill was kind of old. Not grandfather old, but old enough that people might possibly mistake him for my father. I was trying to date men closer to my own age these days, and while Bill wasn’t terrible looking, I wasn’t all that attracted to him. He did have a great sense of humor and always knew how to make me laugh, which I found to be his most attractive quality. He wouldn't give up on trying to coax me into a date. He would do things like tell the other bar patrons that I was his future wife. He would write me little notes on bar napkins which said things like, you are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen and I hope our children look just like you.
Eventually one day he wore me down and I agreed to go on a date with him. We decided to go bowling. Here’s the thing about bowling. I’m very competitive and don’t like to lose, which is a problem when I bowl since I am by far the worst bowler of all time. Usually the only way I enjoy it is after I drink several beers. When Bill and I went to order drinks at the bowling alley bar, I ordered the largest beer they had which came in a very tall plastic cup shaped like a bowling pin. Bill ordered a Sprite. When I looked at him funny, he told me he doesn’t drink, that he’s in AA. Really? A bartender….that doesn’t drink. This should be fun. I didn’t really know what to say to that so I just quietly sipped beer from by bowling pin cup. We started to play and, once we got into it, I had a really fun time. He made me laugh a lot which eased some of my tension. At the end of the night, he walked me to my door and kissed me goodnight. I can’t say I saw fireworks, but it wasn’t terrible.
We went out again shortly after that, this time to dinner and a movie. While I liked Bill, I just wasn’t that attracted to him, so I started to blow him off a bit after that date. I just became extremely busy. Busy enough that I didn’t have time for dates, but not too busy that my friends and I couldn’t stop by his bar for free drinks here and there.
I figured Bill understood that he and I dating just wasn’t in the cards, and thought it was great that I could still come into his bar for flirting and free drinks. It seemed like the perfect situation to me. That is until Bill became a little creepy.
It started when I wasn’t coming into the bar as often, and didn’t call him back right away after he’d left me a couple of messages. The messages went something like this:
Message 1: “Hey Parker, it’s Bill. I know you’re super busy but if you get a chance to call me back, the kids would like to hear from you.” (He liked to joke about the non-existent family we had as well as me being his future wife. I thought this was cute and funny.)
Message 2: “Parker, it’s Bill. Call me back when you get a chance. I’m thinking we need a bowling rematch. I can’t have it getting out around town that I was beaten by a girl drinking beer out of a bowling pin, it would ruin my reputation. Call me.” (Ha ha, funny Bill, I thought. I should call him back soon.)
Message 3: “You know, Parker…we’re all busy, and I know you have a very busy life, but maybe there is more than meets the eye to the fact that you haven’t called me back. I don’t know, call me when you get a chance. “ (Hmm..that message was a bit odd.)
Message 4: "Hello Parker. (There was a sigh, followed by a long pause.) You know, let’s just be honest with each other here. The New Year is coming up, let’s start it off the right way and just get everything out in the open. I can't pretend I know why it is you won’t call me back. Maybe you are just so unbelievably busy, maybe you know that secretly I do want more than a friendship with you, maybe it creeps you out, maybe you think I’m way too old, I don’t know. (Um, how about all of those things plus now you’ve entered psycho stalker territory.) I just want to clear the air here and find out the reasons behind all of this. Call me back. (Hmm, real tempting to call you back now.)
Message 5: “I mean, I don’t get why we can’t just clear things up. If you get a minute, give me a ring. This is Bill again.” (Really, I hadn’t guessed.)
Message 6: “Heeey Parker….so I still haven’t heard from you. I’m sure you have your reasons. I’m sure that someday you’ll come back into my bar for a drink and we’ll chat, but it’s pretty frustrating not being able to talk. Well you take care of yourself over there. I can’t say I understand. I mean, I don’t know why you can’t just be honest. I guess I’ll see ya. (Wow)
At first I wasn’t going to respond, but the more I thought about the little comments he made in his messages, the more angry it made me. I mean, we only went out twice, and I thought it was pretty clear to anyone paying attention that I just wanted to be friendly acquaintances. The message I ended up leaving for Bill went like this:
Message to Bill: "Heeeey Bill. It’s Parker. So, yeah…I got your messages. About that “being honest” comment. I don’t really know what the f*#@ you were talking about, but here is some honesty for you. I don’t appreciate your insinuation that I have lied about anything. By not saying certain things I was probably trying to spare your feelings. But since you’ve pushed me to this point, here you go. The reason I didn’t call you back at first was because I was actually busy, and in the free time I did have, my priority was to first call back people who were more important to me than you. If you’d like to “get it all out in the open" then I mostly come into the bar for the free drinks. Also, yes it does creep me out that you secretly want to be more than friends, and yes, I do think you are old. If this doesn’t “clear things up” for you, let me know. Take care.”
I never heard back from Bill after that message and, I have to admit, I’m a bit sad that I can never show my face in his bar again. It just goes to show, there is something to that old saying "Don’t sh*t where you eat." In this case, don’t go against your instincts and agree to a date with your favorite bartender. I have yet to find anyone who makes a better martini.
Eventually one day he wore me down and I agreed to go on a date with him. We decided to go bowling. Here’s the thing about bowling. I’m very competitive and don’t like to lose, which is a problem when I bowl since I am by far the worst bowler of all time. Usually the only way I enjoy it is after I drink several beers. When Bill and I went to order drinks at the bowling alley bar, I ordered the largest beer they had which came in a very tall plastic cup shaped like a bowling pin. Bill ordered a Sprite. When I looked at him funny, he told me he doesn’t drink, that he’s in AA. Really? A bartender….that doesn’t drink. This should be fun. I didn’t really know what to say to that so I just quietly sipped beer from by bowling pin cup. We started to play and, once we got into it, I had a really fun time. He made me laugh a lot which eased some of my tension. At the end of the night, he walked me to my door and kissed me goodnight. I can’t say I saw fireworks, but it wasn’t terrible.
We went out again shortly after that, this time to dinner and a movie. While I liked Bill, I just wasn’t that attracted to him, so I started to blow him off a bit after that date. I just became extremely busy. Busy enough that I didn’t have time for dates, but not too busy that my friends and I couldn’t stop by his bar for free drinks here and there.
I figured Bill understood that he and I dating just wasn’t in the cards, and thought it was great that I could still come into his bar for flirting and free drinks. It seemed like the perfect situation to me. That is until Bill became a little creepy.
It started when I wasn’t coming into the bar as often, and didn’t call him back right away after he’d left me a couple of messages. The messages went something like this:
Message 1: “Hey Parker, it’s Bill. I know you’re super busy but if you get a chance to call me back, the kids would like to hear from you.” (He liked to joke about the non-existent family we had as well as me being his future wife. I thought this was cute and funny.)
Message 2: “Parker, it’s Bill. Call me back when you get a chance. I’m thinking we need a bowling rematch. I can’t have it getting out around town that I was beaten by a girl drinking beer out of a bowling pin, it would ruin my reputation. Call me.” (Ha ha, funny Bill, I thought. I should call him back soon.)
Message 3: “You know, Parker…we’re all busy, and I know you have a very busy life, but maybe there is more than meets the eye to the fact that you haven’t called me back. I don’t know, call me when you get a chance. “ (Hmm..that message was a bit odd.)
Message 4: "Hello Parker. (There was a sigh, followed by a long pause.) You know, let’s just be honest with each other here. The New Year is coming up, let’s start it off the right way and just get everything out in the open. I can't pretend I know why it is you won’t call me back. Maybe you are just so unbelievably busy, maybe you know that secretly I do want more than a friendship with you, maybe it creeps you out, maybe you think I’m way too old, I don’t know. (Um, how about all of those things plus now you’ve entered psycho stalker territory.) I just want to clear the air here and find out the reasons behind all of this. Call me back. (Hmm, real tempting to call you back now.)
Message 5: “I mean, I don’t get why we can’t just clear things up. If you get a minute, give me a ring. This is Bill again.” (Really, I hadn’t guessed.)
Message 6: “Heeey Parker….so I still haven’t heard from you. I’m sure you have your reasons. I’m sure that someday you’ll come back into my bar for a drink and we’ll chat, but it’s pretty frustrating not being able to talk. Well you take care of yourself over there. I can’t say I understand. I mean, I don’t know why you can’t just be honest. I guess I’ll see ya. (Wow)
At first I wasn’t going to respond, but the more I thought about the little comments he made in his messages, the more angry it made me. I mean, we only went out twice, and I thought it was pretty clear to anyone paying attention that I just wanted to be friendly acquaintances. The message I ended up leaving for Bill went like this:
Message to Bill: "Heeeey Bill. It’s Parker. So, yeah…I got your messages. About that “being honest” comment. I don’t really know what the f*#@ you were talking about, but here is some honesty for you. I don’t appreciate your insinuation that I have lied about anything. By not saying certain things I was probably trying to spare your feelings. But since you’ve pushed me to this point, here you go. The reason I didn’t call you back at first was because I was actually busy, and in the free time I did have, my priority was to first call back people who were more important to me than you. If you’d like to “get it all out in the open" then I mostly come into the bar for the free drinks. Also, yes it does creep me out that you secretly want to be more than friends, and yes, I do think you are old. If this doesn’t “clear things up” for you, let me know. Take care.”
I never heard back from Bill after that message and, I have to admit, I’m a bit sad that I can never show my face in his bar again. It just goes to show, there is something to that old saying "Don’t sh*t where you eat." In this case, don’t go against your instincts and agree to a date with your favorite bartender. I have yet to find anyone who makes a better martini.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
The Two Minute Man
During the days when I was dabbling in acting, I was cast in a very low budget theater production in a starring role which allowed me to have solos in singing, tap dancing, and swing dancing. I was very proud at the time, so of course I forced all of my friends to come and painfully sit through it. I’m pretty sure most of my friends snuck out early which, looking back now, I can’t really blame them. I believe my friend Raven even gave the back handed compliment of “Parker, you were by far the best thing about that show. I think the show itself was more painful then having my wisdom teeth removed, and if you hadn’t been there it might have been the first time I’d ever thrown things at a stage.” I managed to muster up a "Gee, thanks".
There was a boy in the show that I didn’t talk to much but developed a huge crush on. His name was Charlie. His character was charming and adorable and my favorite part of rehearsals became watching his scenes from backstage. After our final performance we had our cast party at a local bar and after a few martinis I found myself feeling very bold and chatting with my crush. By the end of the evening the rest of the cast had left the bar aside from me and Charlie. After making out for a while and realizing we were getting dirty looks from the bartender, we decided to leave the bar. He asked me if I’d want to have dinner the following evening. I agreed to meet at his place around 7 and with one last kiss we went our separate ways.
The next night I was at Charlie’s house around 7:20, only 20 minutes past the scheduled time which was pretty damn early for me since I was prone to tardiness. He’d called me earlier to ask if I’d mind him making dinner instead of us going out. I thought this was a sweet gesture, pretty romantic actually. That is until he opened the door shirtless, gave me a kiss, and asked if I’d mind stirring the macaroni and cheese on the stove while he ran back to change. I said I didn’t mind and proceeded to stir the mac and cheese. Not homemade but the kind you get in a box that costs about a dollar. As I stirred I tried not to be judgmental about the fact that, while he had a hot body, I didn’t see why he hadn’t had the time to put a shirt on before answering the door, or the fact that there didn’t appear to be anything else cooking on the stove other than the “gourmet pasta” I was stirring. He was, after all, a poor struggling actor. But just then I saw something I couldn’t help but judge. I looked over at the computer monitor sitting on his desk and saw his screensaver. It was his headshot bouncing around on the screen. Apparently he wanted to be able see his face from any area of the apartment in case he didn’t have time to make it to a mirror. I mean, wow. Talk about full of yourself. He finally came back to the kitchen and asked if I liked fish. I said I sure did and brightened up a bit at the thought of some salmon or halibut he was possibly going to make and then he opened the can of tuna. Sigh. We had a meal consisting of tuna mixed with mac and cheese and cheap wine. Thank God for the wine because the dinner was quite painful aside from just the food. Turns out I was way more attracted to Charlie’s character in the show than I was to the actual Charlie. At least that made him a good actor, so he had that going for him.
After plenty of wine, and when I’d had about as much of his self centered actor talk as I could stomach, I figured what better way to shut him up then to make out with him. After a while we ended up in his bedroom (which also happened to be the living room in his studio apartment), and after it seemed clear where we were heading with this he put on a condom. Literally 2 minutes later we were finished. The worst part is he looked so proud of himself and I couldn’t help shaking my head. We fell asleep shortly thereafter and in the morning he wanted a repeat of the night before. I was a little hesitant but figured maybe since the first time was out of the way he’d be able to step it up a notch with the longevity. About 1 ½ minutes in he stopped and looked at me with wide eyes. I asked him what was wrong and he said um, I think the condom fell off. Fucking really?! What do you mean it fell off, I asked. How does a condom just fall off? He got very flustered and I could tell he felt badly but I couldn’t help the irritation that was growing. After about a half hour in the bathroom trying to find the escaped condom, I gave up. I came out and told him I had to go. He asked if there was anything he could do. I snapped back at him that unless he could rewind to the time before I ever came over last night then no, there was nothing he could do. I was even more irritated because I was leaving the next day for a week long vacation to Mexico, and there was no way I was leaving the country in this state. I told him I had to run and make it to my doctor’s office before he was gone for the day and I left.
At my doctor’s office I had to embarrassingly tell the receptionist what I was in for, and repeat it when she asked me to speak up since she couldn’t hear me. I’m certain at least 3 people in the waiting room heard me and snickered. As I lay in my robe on the examining table wondering how in the hell I got here, thinking it couldn’t get any worse, my doctor came in and told me medical students were there that day following him and asked if I'd mind them joining him for the examination. Really?! Today?! Right now for THIS appointment? Why couldn't there be students shadowing him when I'd come in to have my throat checked out last month?! At this point I was certain I was dreaming, that this was the kind of thing that only happened in movies, but I assure you...this happened. I didn’t want to be disagreeable so I mumbled something about it being fine. So there I was with not 2 but 3 men witnessing one of the most embarrassing moments I’d ever have.
After I left the office I went home to pack and Charlie called me. He asked how everything went and I told him things went swimmingly, thanks for asking. He seemed hurt by my sarcasm but for some reason I couldn’t force myself not to blame him. I didn’t want to tell him that the sex was sooooo not worth all this hassle. He told me to call him when I got back from Mexico, I told him to take care. That was the last time I saw Charlie. He tried calling a few times but I decided it best to ignore him. I figured it’d just make it worse if I told him I couldn’t see him anymore since, because of him, I’d had the worst 2 minutes of my life…twice. Some things are just better left unsaid.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
The Confused Guy
At yet another of the many restaurants I used to work in, I’d become close friends with 3 of my co-workers. There was Janet who was a fellow server and my partner in crime. Jake was the openly gay bartender/model who made me laugh like no other. He was so ridiculously good looking you wouldn’t have blamed him if he was a snob, yet he was surprisingly down to earth. Then there was Brian. Brian was the general manager that I began secretly dating. Everyone knew Brian and I were friends, but we figured it’d be best to keep the fact that we saw each other naked most nights after work a secret. Jake and I also became closer and closer the more time we spent together. He was so easy to talk to that sometimes hours would go by of just chatting about life. There weren’t many moments when we weren’t laughing together since we had the same sense of humor. We loved to drink wine and people watch and point out the hottest guys that would go by. Sometimes as a side job, Jake performed as a drag queen. On Halloween since we both had to work, he came dressed in one of his drag outfits. It was a patent leather thong leotard with fishnet stockings, black stilettos, a long brown wig. He wore make-up that made him look like the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen. Not only was he the most attractive man I’d ever met, but he also made a more attractive female then most of the women I knew. I told him it wasn’t fair, only one gender should have to feel envious of him. He laughed and told me I definitely didn’t need to feel any envy since I was the most beautiful girl he knew. I told him flattery would get him everywhere. He always seemed to be my biggest fan and was so complimentary.
A few weeks later the secret relationship Brian and I had was exposed. We’d been out together one night and a co-worker had seen us kissing. Of course that meant within 2 days the entire restaurant staff had heard about our relationship. Including Jake and Janet. Janet told me she had suspected something might have been going on and was happy for us since she adored us both. Jake didn’t react in quite the same manner. I assumed he was upset that I’d kept a secret from him so I apologized for not telling him sooner. He shrugged, mumbled something about being really busy behind the bar and avoided making eye contact with me. I felt badly that he seemed upset I’d been keeping a secret, but figured he’d get over it by the end of the evening. At closing time, Jake asked if he could speak to me privately in the back room. I followed him there and he closed the door. He looked at me with sadness in his eyes and began to tell me how when he’d heard about Brian and I, he had been a little heartbroken because he really liked me. I told him I liked him too, that I was sorry for not telling him but that this didn’t change our friendship. He said “Parker, you’re not getting it. It hurts because I like you so much. I wanted to be the one to date you.” Ummmm…..??? I started to smile thinking he must be playing a joke on me, that is until he leaned in and kissed me. I couldn’t speak because of the state of shock I was now in. I just stared at him for a moment until I found my voice then said, “But Jake…you’re gay. Remember?” He said that he goes both ways, he likes boys and girls. I reminded him that we’d spent many hours pointing out the hottest guys that would walk by us. He reminded me he’d also pointed out hot girls. I told him I’d figured he was looking at their clothing as inspiration for his drag show attire, not because he wanted to get in their pants. Then he got frustrated and said it was all a moot point anyway since I was now dating Brian. He said he hoped we were happy and then he left the back room leaving me to be stunned in silence.
After that Jake and I didn’t really hang out anymore. He was friendly enough at work, but the relationship was never the same. Sometimes I wonder what I would have done if Jake had told me how he’d felt and I hadn’t been with Brian, and what it would’ve been like to date a mostly gay man. On one hand it’d be nice to date someone in touch with his feminine side, on the other hand I don’t think I could be with a man who’d be borrowing my high heels, and who’s ass looked far better in a thong than mine ever could.
A few weeks later the secret relationship Brian and I had was exposed. We’d been out together one night and a co-worker had seen us kissing. Of course that meant within 2 days the entire restaurant staff had heard about our relationship. Including Jake and Janet. Janet told me she had suspected something might have been going on and was happy for us since she adored us both. Jake didn’t react in quite the same manner. I assumed he was upset that I’d kept a secret from him so I apologized for not telling him sooner. He shrugged, mumbled something about being really busy behind the bar and avoided making eye contact with me. I felt badly that he seemed upset I’d been keeping a secret, but figured he’d get over it by the end of the evening. At closing time, Jake asked if he could speak to me privately in the back room. I followed him there and he closed the door. He looked at me with sadness in his eyes and began to tell me how when he’d heard about Brian and I, he had been a little heartbroken because he really liked me. I told him I liked him too, that I was sorry for not telling him but that this didn’t change our friendship. He said “Parker, you’re not getting it. It hurts because I like you so much. I wanted to be the one to date you.” Ummmm…..??? I started to smile thinking he must be playing a joke on me, that is until he leaned in and kissed me. I couldn’t speak because of the state of shock I was now in. I just stared at him for a moment until I found my voice then said, “But Jake…you’re gay. Remember?” He said that he goes both ways, he likes boys and girls. I reminded him that we’d spent many hours pointing out the hottest guys that would walk by us. He reminded me he’d also pointed out hot girls. I told him I’d figured he was looking at their clothing as inspiration for his drag show attire, not because he wanted to get in their pants. Then he got frustrated and said it was all a moot point anyway since I was now dating Brian. He said he hoped we were happy and then he left the back room leaving me to be stunned in silence.
After that Jake and I didn’t really hang out anymore. He was friendly enough at work, but the relationship was never the same. Sometimes I wonder what I would have done if Jake had told me how he’d felt and I hadn’t been with Brian, and what it would’ve been like to date a mostly gay man. On one hand it’d be nice to date someone in touch with his feminine side, on the other hand I don’t think I could be with a man who’d be borrowing my high heels, and who’s ass looked far better in a thong than mine ever could.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
The Almost Husband Part 2
.....I got caught up in that beautiful moment and found myself saying, Yes! Yes, of course I’ll marry you! The wait staff was snapping our picture and everyone was smiling. Here we were on this beautiful island, I had the most gorgeous ring on my finger and this man who loved me. It was a happy evening. We called our families to share the news of our engagement. Then we got back home and reality sunk in. I loved Drew but I wasn’t sure I was in love with him. I began to panic. This panic led to an escape to Paris for a month long study abroad program with my best girlfriend Raven. She was getting married in 3 months and wanted a last hurrah while I needed time away to sort out my thoughts and feelings. Drew was completely supportive of this trip which only made it harder to realize the possibility of this not working out.
During my time away the main thing that brought me to the harsh realization that my love for Drew was more of a non romantic love was the fact that I didn’t miss him, not really. Not the way a girl should miss her fiancé being apart for a month. Also the fact that I had to stop myself numerous times from cheating with several cute boys who were closer to my age and very persistent. At the end of the month Drew was meeting me at a hotel he’d booked in Paris, and we were going on a Mediterranean cruise to celebrate his birthday. On the day he arrived and knocked on the hotel room door, I was sitting in a robe drinking champagne out of the bottle and crying. I acted like I’d been watching a sad movie so he wouldn’t know I’d been crying about our doomed relationship. What should have been an amazing cruise turned into a time of many arguments. I started picking fights and I felt badly for it yet couldn’t seem to stop myself.
When we got back home, a funny thing happened. As I was trying to figure out how I was going to break up with Drew, he turned the tables and broke up with me instead. For some reason I felt devastated. Here is what I thought I’d wanted yet when he said the words out loud it didn’t seem right. I tearfully tried to give back the ring, and he insisted I keep it and sell it. For some reason him breaking up with me sent me into panic mode and instead of accepting this as the right thing, I fought it and after many talks convinced him to give it one more shot. I decided I would become everything he seemed to want in a future wife. I would become the domestic housewife type if it killed me. I even tried to host a dinner for his best friends, and I made the only thing I knew how to cook. A chicken and cheese casserole which consisted mostly of canned soup and precooked chicken. Looking back that was pretty embarrassing. During this process I became insecure since I was trying to be something I wasn’t, and he became irritated and realized the things he loved about me he wouldn’t want to change after all, it’s just that we couldn’t seem to work together. The moment I snapped out of my Stepford wife phase was one afternoon when we were arguing right before we stepped into Drew’s brother’s birthday party. He snapped at me and yelled “you’re just so goddamned insecure!” Right then his brother opened the door and I had no choice but to blink back the tears that were forming and ignore the anger that was beginning to burn in the pit of my stomach. I said my hellos and faked good spirits, all the while hearing his comment ring in my ears. No man had ever called me insecure. I had never been that insecure girl who changed herself for a man. I was so angry that he would say that to me, and even more angry that he was sort of right. I had become someone I was not a fan of, however he was way out of line in his delivery.
As soon as we left the party I turned to him and told him that he was way out of line and I would never again be spoken to in that way. He looked surprised by my reaction and apologized. Then I told him that he was right when he’d tried to break things off, that this obviously wasn’t working. I told him I should never have tried to change myself. That night we broke up for good as amicably as any two people could have. I sadly sold my beautiful ring and used the money to move into a new apartment, and that’s where I began the next part of my journey in this crazy thing called life.
During my time away the main thing that brought me to the harsh realization that my love for Drew was more of a non romantic love was the fact that I didn’t miss him, not really. Not the way a girl should miss her fiancé being apart for a month. Also the fact that I had to stop myself numerous times from cheating with several cute boys who were closer to my age and very persistent. At the end of the month Drew was meeting me at a hotel he’d booked in Paris, and we were going on a Mediterranean cruise to celebrate his birthday. On the day he arrived and knocked on the hotel room door, I was sitting in a robe drinking champagne out of the bottle and crying. I acted like I’d been watching a sad movie so he wouldn’t know I’d been crying about our doomed relationship. What should have been an amazing cruise turned into a time of many arguments. I started picking fights and I felt badly for it yet couldn’t seem to stop myself.
When we got back home, a funny thing happened. As I was trying to figure out how I was going to break up with Drew, he turned the tables and broke up with me instead. For some reason I felt devastated. Here is what I thought I’d wanted yet when he said the words out loud it didn’t seem right. I tearfully tried to give back the ring, and he insisted I keep it and sell it. For some reason him breaking up with me sent me into panic mode and instead of accepting this as the right thing, I fought it and after many talks convinced him to give it one more shot. I decided I would become everything he seemed to want in a future wife. I would become the domestic housewife type if it killed me. I even tried to host a dinner for his best friends, and I made the only thing I knew how to cook. A chicken and cheese casserole which consisted mostly of canned soup and precooked chicken. Looking back that was pretty embarrassing. During this process I became insecure since I was trying to be something I wasn’t, and he became irritated and realized the things he loved about me he wouldn’t want to change after all, it’s just that we couldn’t seem to work together. The moment I snapped out of my Stepford wife phase was one afternoon when we were arguing right before we stepped into Drew’s brother’s birthday party. He snapped at me and yelled “you’re just so goddamned insecure!” Right then his brother opened the door and I had no choice but to blink back the tears that were forming and ignore the anger that was beginning to burn in the pit of my stomach. I said my hellos and faked good spirits, all the while hearing his comment ring in my ears. No man had ever called me insecure. I had never been that insecure girl who changed herself for a man. I was so angry that he would say that to me, and even more angry that he was sort of right. I had become someone I was not a fan of, however he was way out of line in his delivery.
As soon as we left the party I turned to him and told him that he was way out of line and I would never again be spoken to in that way. He looked surprised by my reaction and apologized. Then I told him that he was right when he’d tried to break things off, that this obviously wasn’t working. I told him I should never have tried to change myself. That night we broke up for good as amicably as any two people could have. I sadly sold my beautiful ring and used the money to move into a new apartment, and that’s where I began the next part of my journey in this crazy thing called life.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
The Almost Husband
For a few months I worked as a cocktail waitress for a blues club which I’m not sure could be classified as “work.” We had quite a bit of lenience since our manager was more like a friend than a boss, and many nights instead of cleaning up at the end of the night we’d end up on the dance floor with a cocktail in hand. One night a private party for a law firm came in, and I half joked that I was going to bag myself a rich lawyer. I did end up chatting and flirting with one of the lawyers, who I found out later just happened to own and run that law firm. He definitely wasn’t the best looking man I’d ever seen. He appeared to have permanent dark circles under his eyes, a slightly crooked nose, and looked a bit like a cross between Billy Joel and one of the trolls from Lord of the Rings. On top of that he looked at least 15 years older than me, but there was a confidence about him I found very sexy. He told me his name was Drew and asked if he could take me out sometime. I figured what the hell and gave him my number.
He called me 2 days later and asked if I would join him to watch a UCLA basketball game and go to lunch. I agreed and we had our first date. He picked me up in his Porsche, and took me to a fancy restaurant where we got to know each other a little better. Drew told me about his past, how he'd joined the army to get his degree and lived off of student loans and top ramen while he went to law school. Instead of joining an already established law firm he took a risk and started his own personal injury practice which ended up being a huge success. I told him a bit about myself, and how one of my passions was to travel the world but at the time I hadn’t been able to travel much yet. He looked me in the eyes, smiled and asked if I would mind if he changed that. I smiled and thought to myself, nope, don’t mind at all!
He was a man of his word and by the time we’d been dating for a couple of months we’d already been on a cruise around Mexico as well as two island vacations. When I’d told him I was only 22 on our first date he thought I was joking and even chuckled until he realized from my silent stare that I was serious. He made a joke about how his friends, after meeting me, would now definitely know he was having a midlife crises. I thought he shouldn't worry about that, since I was pretty sure they’d already guessed by the tiny black Porsche he had parked outside. He had seemed concerned about the age difference at first, but then hadn’t mentioned it again until things started getting more serious. We started having argumentative conversations about marriage and kids. We had slightly different views on the topic. He had a plan of wanting to be married with children within the next couple of years. When I thought about being married with children that soon I had to stop myself from throwing up a little in my mouth. His plan sounded an awful lot like a prison sentence to me and I wasn’t sure why it would appeal to anyone. I just wasn’t ready to think about those things yet and eventually he told me he was going to have to date other people in order to find someone who was ready. I told him to go ahead if that’s what he wanted to do, and I didn’t think it would really bother me. I was having fun with him but didn’t think he was the one for me. That is until one night when I asked what he was up to, figuring he’d be around to hang out with me as usual, and he told me he had a date. I felt my heart sink, and I realized just how much it bothered me and how much I actually cared for this man.
A few days later I sat him down and pleaded my case to him about how I thought we should really give this a go, that I didn’t want him to see other people, and that it was illogical to try to find someone to plug into your pre-existing relationship plan. I told him it makes more sense to find someone you love and build a life plan together as you go along, to see if a relationship works first and then fill in the blanks. I felt pretty proud of my argument, especially when he agreed with all that I’d said and wanted to give it a another shot. From that point on we became pretty inseparable, and then one day Drew told me he was in love with me. I hadn’t realized I loved him too until I heard myself saying those 3 words back. I came to learn both the best and worst qualities about Drew. The best being his drive, generosity, and humor, as well as being down to earth despite his success. The worst being his need to control, his temper, and his attachment to smoking pot every night. Our age difference proved to be a bit of an issue at times as well. We didn’t always see eye to eye or want to do the same types of things, and I wasn't fond of the moments when people assumed Drew was my father.
My most vivid memory of this was the day he bought me a car. Right before the dealer closed the sale, Drew stepped away to take a work call and the dealer asked me if i lived in the area or was just visiting 'my dad' from college. I turned us away from Drew and whispered that if he wanted to sell this car it'd be best to keep any further comments of that nature to himself. I’d never dated someone so successful and wealthy before Drew, and I won’t say that him having an amazing 3 story mansion on the beach wasn’t incredible. And I’d be lying if I said that money never being an issue wasn’t a great perk, since it allowed for things like last minute tickets to the super bowl or jumping on a plane to Vegas for a VIP weekend. I never used him for his money like some women had in his past, and I think he respected that about me.
Several months later after much persistence from Drew I moved out of my tiny Hollywood apartment and into his beach house. When we were nearing our year anniversary a couple of things were happening. 1) I was beginning to wonder if I loved Drew more as a friend than romantically or sexually. 2) He was constantly bringing up the topic of getting engaged. I kept telling him I wasn’t ready for that, I thought it was still too soon. We were arguing more than we had in the past, and I started feeling the age gap more than ever. Our lives were just so different. I still liked to go out drinking with friends and was figuring out what I wanted to be when I grew up while he was already settled in his career and enjoyed smoking pot , eating twinkies, then falling asleep in front of the T.V. every night. Whenever he’d bring up getting engaged and I’d object to the idea, he would just brush off my protests and tell me I was only nervous because I worry too much. The more hesitant I became, the more pushy he got until one vacation day in Key West, we were off on a tiny island having an amazing 5 star dinner, and it was time for dessert. I remember the moment this way. The waiter brought out some sort of chocolate dessert and I remember thinking, I didn’t order this, that’s odd. The waiter then opened the chocolate dessert, which turns out was a heart shaped box made of chocolate, and I remember thinking, Is that rice? Why would they put white rice inside of chocolate? Turns out it wasn’t rice, it was rock salt and while examining the dessert I somehow didn’t notice the enormous diamond ring sitting in the middle of it. I looked around and wondered why everyone appeared to be staring at me, then noticed Drew to my left down on one knee. Oh my God. My heart started pounding as realization started to creep in, and the next thing I know Drew is saying something like: Parker, will you make me the happiest man on earth and be my wife? It felt difficult to breathe and I couldn’t seem to think clearly. This was such a beautiful moment and I had no idea what the next word out of my mouth was going to be……
To be continued……..
He called me 2 days later and asked if I would join him to watch a UCLA basketball game and go to lunch. I agreed and we had our first date. He picked me up in his Porsche, and took me to a fancy restaurant where we got to know each other a little better. Drew told me about his past, how he'd joined the army to get his degree and lived off of student loans and top ramen while he went to law school. Instead of joining an already established law firm he took a risk and started his own personal injury practice which ended up being a huge success. I told him a bit about myself, and how one of my passions was to travel the world but at the time I hadn’t been able to travel much yet. He looked me in the eyes, smiled and asked if I would mind if he changed that. I smiled and thought to myself, nope, don’t mind at all!
He was a man of his word and by the time we’d been dating for a couple of months we’d already been on a cruise around Mexico as well as two island vacations. When I’d told him I was only 22 on our first date he thought I was joking and even chuckled until he realized from my silent stare that I was serious. He made a joke about how his friends, after meeting me, would now definitely know he was having a midlife crises. I thought he shouldn't worry about that, since I was pretty sure they’d already guessed by the tiny black Porsche he had parked outside. He had seemed concerned about the age difference at first, but then hadn’t mentioned it again until things started getting more serious. We started having argumentative conversations about marriage and kids. We had slightly different views on the topic. He had a plan of wanting to be married with children within the next couple of years. When I thought about being married with children that soon I had to stop myself from throwing up a little in my mouth. His plan sounded an awful lot like a prison sentence to me and I wasn’t sure why it would appeal to anyone. I just wasn’t ready to think about those things yet and eventually he told me he was going to have to date other people in order to find someone who was ready. I told him to go ahead if that’s what he wanted to do, and I didn’t think it would really bother me. I was having fun with him but didn’t think he was the one for me. That is until one night when I asked what he was up to, figuring he’d be around to hang out with me as usual, and he told me he had a date. I felt my heart sink, and I realized just how much it bothered me and how much I actually cared for this man.
A few days later I sat him down and pleaded my case to him about how I thought we should really give this a go, that I didn’t want him to see other people, and that it was illogical to try to find someone to plug into your pre-existing relationship plan. I told him it makes more sense to find someone you love and build a life plan together as you go along, to see if a relationship works first and then fill in the blanks. I felt pretty proud of my argument, especially when he agreed with all that I’d said and wanted to give it a another shot. From that point on we became pretty inseparable, and then one day Drew told me he was in love with me. I hadn’t realized I loved him too until I heard myself saying those 3 words back. I came to learn both the best and worst qualities about Drew. The best being his drive, generosity, and humor, as well as being down to earth despite his success. The worst being his need to control, his temper, and his attachment to smoking pot every night. Our age difference proved to be a bit of an issue at times as well. We didn’t always see eye to eye or want to do the same types of things, and I wasn't fond of the moments when people assumed Drew was my father.
My most vivid memory of this was the day he bought me a car. Right before the dealer closed the sale, Drew stepped away to take a work call and the dealer asked me if i lived in the area or was just visiting 'my dad' from college. I turned us away from Drew and whispered that if he wanted to sell this car it'd be best to keep any further comments of that nature to himself. I’d never dated someone so successful and wealthy before Drew, and I won’t say that him having an amazing 3 story mansion on the beach wasn’t incredible. And I’d be lying if I said that money never being an issue wasn’t a great perk, since it allowed for things like last minute tickets to the super bowl or jumping on a plane to Vegas for a VIP weekend. I never used him for his money like some women had in his past, and I think he respected that about me.
Several months later after much persistence from Drew I moved out of my tiny Hollywood apartment and into his beach house. When we were nearing our year anniversary a couple of things were happening. 1) I was beginning to wonder if I loved Drew more as a friend than romantically or sexually. 2) He was constantly bringing up the topic of getting engaged. I kept telling him I wasn’t ready for that, I thought it was still too soon. We were arguing more than we had in the past, and I started feeling the age gap more than ever. Our lives were just so different. I still liked to go out drinking with friends and was figuring out what I wanted to be when I grew up while he was already settled in his career and enjoyed smoking pot , eating twinkies, then falling asleep in front of the T.V. every night. Whenever he’d bring up getting engaged and I’d object to the idea, he would just brush off my protests and tell me I was only nervous because I worry too much. The more hesitant I became, the more pushy he got until one vacation day in Key West, we were off on a tiny island having an amazing 5 star dinner, and it was time for dessert. I remember the moment this way. The waiter brought out some sort of chocolate dessert and I remember thinking, I didn’t order this, that’s odd. The waiter then opened the chocolate dessert, which turns out was a heart shaped box made of chocolate, and I remember thinking, Is that rice? Why would they put white rice inside of chocolate? Turns out it wasn’t rice, it was rock salt and while examining the dessert I somehow didn’t notice the enormous diamond ring sitting in the middle of it. I looked around and wondered why everyone appeared to be staring at me, then noticed Drew to my left down on one knee. Oh my God. My heart started pounding as realization started to creep in, and the next thing I know Drew is saying something like: Parker, will you make me the happiest man on earth and be my wife? It felt difficult to breathe and I couldn’t seem to think clearly. This was such a beautiful moment and I had no idea what the next word out of my mouth was going to be……
To be continued……..
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)