The Homicide Detective (Part Three)

The end finally came on a regular day with a regular fight. I was leaving to visit Gavin for a few days in California the next day and I ended up on the phone all night fighting with Matt, per the usual. I ended the conversation by breaking up with him. I should express that this wasn’t the first time I’d broken up with him, but every other time, I’d accept his apology the next day and we'd get back together. I was determined for this time to be different. I’d had enough. When I was with Gavin, Matt was continuously texting and calling me and leaving me messages. I made Gavin read the texts and listen to the voice mails. I couldn’t hear his manipulating voice without being affected and I knew it, so I had Gavin interpret his messages since I didn’t have the strength to just delete them. Hearing Gavin interpret what Matt said made me more aware of how ridiculous his messages were and how manipulative they were. He didn’t think I was serious about the break up and kept begging me to just contact him to let him know I was o.k. Gavin advised me to text him saying: I’m fine and I’m sorry but I can’t do this anymore, take care. I managed to do it and my phone blew up after that. I finally turned it off to avoid seeing his calls. He didn’t think I’d actually break up with him and now he was in panic mode. Good. It was his turn for a change.

I stayed with Gavin for almost a week before returning to New York, avoiding Matt’s calls the entire visit and gaining some much needed perspective. When I got home I realized I couldn’t stay there, in New York. I had been contemplating moving home at some point and thought now would be the perfect opportunity. I knew I couldn’t stay there without getting back together with him. I knew he wouldn’t let up until he convinced me to take him back and I wasn’t going to stick around and let him have that opportunity. Within two weeks I'd found an apartment in Los Angeles, found a replacement tenant for my apartment in New York, and had myself transferred from the New York flight attendant base to the one in California. It was a shocking and sudden move, but it was the best decision I could have made. Matt still tried to contact me, but I didn’t respond, and he eventually gave up .

On a more recent note, he actually tried calling me about a year ago. Relentlessly. He left messages which I didn’t return. He tried to instant message me whenever I was online until I blocked him from doing that. He started to send me emails as well. During this, I decided it might be a good idea to clean the slate and change my phone number, so I did. But that didn’t stop the emails. I still have a couple of them which I’ll share, with my own personal commentary added in as well:

Hey Parker, I hope everything is going good for you, I tried calling you the other night, not even sure if you have the same number, phone wouldn't let me leave a message. (Probably for a reason,divine intervention) Its been a long time since we spoke, I left you a few messages (e-mails) (Instant messaging is not the same as a message or an email, but whatever) not sure if you received them. (Yes, I did, so stop sending them...one would have been enough) I was hoping to talk to you,(too bad, not going to happen..obviously) going for a serious surgery in the next couple of weeks (getting your hair plugs replaced?)and thought it would be nice to speak to you. It wasn't that long ago that we both cared about each other,(it was actually...it was long ago) and to me its important to hear your voice.(Well try my voice mail again then, I have a great outgoing message you can listen to) If I don't talk to you, (you won't) always be safe,(the farther away from you the safer I am) and know that your still always in my thoughts.(That knowledge is actually far more creepy then comforting, but thanks)

Hey Parker, I have been trying to contact you for a couple of weeks. (sigh...i know Matt..I know you have. You apparently don't get what being blown off means exactly) Your phone number no longer works, (and if I wanted you to have my new one, don't you think I would've given it to you?) so it doesn't look like i am going to get to speak to you,(Woohoo! Progress!! you got something right, finally!!) I am not even sure if this is your e-mail address anymore, but this is my only way i can try to contact you.(Or you could try another way...hear me out here, maybe not trying to contact me at all instead?....no?....not so much?......) A couple of weeks ago I sent you a text telling you I was sick and wanted to talk to you before my surgery, not sure if you received it. I am having surgery on 8/13/10, (I am so glad you made sure to tell me which year the surgery would be because if I hadn't gotten this email until next year I would've been sooo worried on 8/13/11) back around the time of my birthday I was diagnosed with cancer.(Aw, near your b-day of all times?! :'( Poor you. So getting a cancerous mole removed, they call that "surgery" now?) I know it may seem odd, (it does) even though you are no longer part of my life,(a fact that I understand, but you don't) I felt it would make me stronger knowing I spoke to you.(so in other words you're saying the strength you need to make it through the surgery lies in my hands?No pressure to call back though of course) Since the day I met you, you were an important part of my life, and I just want you to try to remember that. (I remember a lot of things...crying..manipulation..throat grabbing..hmm, important part of your life?Doesn't ring a bell)


In case you are wondering, he was just fine after his surgery (if he was even being truthful that a surgery existed) because I got more attempts at communication from him after that date, so I am not making fun of a man who died of cancer, just a man who had bad hair and a temper problem. It was a struggle to get myself back after what I went through with Matt but I came out a stronger person through it all, knowing more then ever what I want, what I deserve, and what I won't accept. A man who lies, lives secretly with his wife and 3 kids, who is too old, has no time, is manipulative, and has fake hair is unacceptable, so thank God I can finally cross those items off my list of desires.