The Brit

During the 3 months I spent living in Arizona, (yes, I only lasted 3 months…do you know how hot it gets there?!) my best friends Gavin and Raven used to come out almost every other weekend to visit. Partly because they missed me, and partly because I now had an apartment which made every day seem like a vacation at a nice resort. The rent in Arizona was ridiculously cheap, so I was able to afford an amazing place that almost had me believing I was extremely wealthy. We’d spend those weekends by the pool during the day, and out dancing and mingling with cocktails in hand by night.

One of those nights we were out dancing at a popular place in Scottsdale, only it wasn’t a club and there wasn’t really a dance floor. After our 3rd martini, we decided it was our responsibility to all tipsy people, ourselves included, to create a dance floor. So we did. Not only did we create a dance floor, but Raven and I must have also thought we were filming a music video since we created an entire dance routine and eventually we had an audience. At the time we thought it was because we were so hot and doing so well with our dancing, looking back I’m pretty certain everyone was just making fun of the drunk girls. Gavin was amongst the spectators, and enjoyed watching us make fools of ourselves while taking many pictures to use later for blackmailing purposes. During our dance routine I noticed a very cute boy standing off to the side watching me and smiling. I smiled at him and pulled him onto the “dance floor” with me. He seemed flattered and he was a good sport about dancing with me. When the song was over he asked if he could buy me a drink so we went over to the bar. It was when we started talking by the bar that I detected his British accent. His name was Sean…from England. That’s how he introduced himself, “I’m Sean, from England!” “Well, hello “Shon from In-glend!” I’d said, trying to use my best British accent while repeating his catch phrase. He seemed to think it was adorable. It was most likely not at all adorable and actually quite obnoxious, but he was seemingly smitten so it apparently didn’t matter what I said. I told him he looked exactly like Hugh Grant. He didn’t look anything like Hugh Grant, but with drunk goggles on, all I could make out clearly was the accent. He also had a very high pitched voice for a man which I overlooked at the time. We chatted for the rest of the evening until finally Gavin and Raven were ready to leave. I told them I didn’t want to leave, that I wanted to stay with “Shon from In-glend!” They did not seem nearly as amused as Sean had by my attempt at a British accent. They pulled me aside and asked if I’d be alright with this guy if they left me, I told them I’d be fine and to take my key. They made sure they got Sean’s phone # and then left.

After the bar closed we decided to walk off the alcohol. We walked and talked for what must have been hours. I can’t be sure of exactly what we discussed, I just know that we did quite a bit of comparing words that we said differently, for example trash can. He called it a litter bin. He talked about us being “pissed”, and I thought he meant angry but he meant drunk. These comparisons were so cute and funny to us then, so on our meaningless conversation went. At one point we ended up at a park where we proceeded to make out on a park bench until I noticed the sun coming up and told him I really needed to get home. He asked if he could take me out that day for lunch because he was leaving that evening to go back to England and just had see me once more. I told him he could come by later after I’d slept for a while.

When I woke up I’d almost forgotten about “Shon from In-glend,” due to the attention I had to put on my massive headache and hangover, until there was a knock at my door. It was Sean, standing there with the biggest and most beautiful bouquet of flowers I’d ever seen. Wow. He handed them to me with a boyish grin on his face. He told me he knew I must get flowers every day but he wanted to bring me some anyway. (Umm…sure…every single day….had he ever met an American man?) I told him I’d woken up late but would meet him in just a little while after I got ready. We spent some sober time together before he left and, while he was still fairly cute, without the alcohol I found we didn’t have a whole lot to talk about. There’s only so many times I can discuss how adorable it is that I say trash and he says rubbish, so I was slightly relieved to say goodbye to Sean. After our goodbye kiss, he said he wouldn’t wash his lips so that my kiss would always stay with him. Was this guy for real?

A couple of days later, I got a call from Sean. When I answered he said, “Parker! It’s ‘Shon from In-glend!’, calling you from England!” and he chuckled. I tried not to gag. We talked for a few minutes, and I couldn’t believe he was paying international fees to make more jokes about litter bins and rubbish. Does this guy have anything else to talk about? He did have more to talk about. He told me he was now unable to walk by a park bench without thinking of me. He sighed and told me he hadn’t been able to eat anything but half a biscuit since he left, he couldn’t sleep either, all he could do was think about me. Can we go back to talking about litter bins please? I told Sean he should really eat something, that it wasn't healthy not to, and that I had to run but thanks so much for calling all the way from England. He sighed and said I’d be in his dreams. Groan. I said my goodbyes and told him we’d talk soon. I didn’t really mean that, but he took it literally and called the next night. This continued for a while until finally he asked if he could come back out and visit me. I had to come up with something quick for this not to happen. I knew I wouldn't be able to stand days on end of “Shon from In-glend” and his lack of conversational skills. The charm of the accent had begun to wear off and, while the flowers were nice, this whole “I can’t eat, sleep or wash my lips” thing was a bit much. I told him the first thing that came to mind. That I had a boyfriend. I’d met someone after he left and it was getting very serious. Since my serious boyfriend lived in America, I felt it important for me to pursue this relationship. He asked what his name was. I named my fake boyfriend Matthew. He got very quiet, then asked me if he had been “Shon from America” instead of “Shon from In-glend”, if things would be different. I sighed internally, then lied and told him yes, things would be much different. I told him I had to go, Matthew would be waiting, but to take care of himself.

A couple of days later I got another call from Sean saying he wanted to talk to me about something very important. I braced myself. He said he’d been thinking a lot, (that was his first mistake), and he wanted to come live in the states for a while, to really give things a go with us. He said he didn’t have anything tying him down in England and he couldn’t bear the thought of always wondering what could have been if he’d only tried harder. After one drunken night in a park? Really?! I told Sean that, while I was flattered, I really couldn’t do that to Matthew. It just wouldn’t be fair or right. I hoped my fake boyfriend appreciated what I was giving up for our relationship. Sean said that he understood, even though it made his heart feel sad and lonesome, and he knew he wouldn’t be able to eat for a bit. I wished he would stop saying things of that nature.

Sean stopped calling for the most part after that, wanting to be respectful of my “relationship”, however he did call me on my birthday, which I thought was so sweet of him to even remember. And to this day “Shon from In-glend” still sends an email to me on every single birthday. He may not have been the guy for me, but I have to hand it to him for always being a true gentleman. If only he’d been a little less of a girl, his voice had been lower, he actually had looked like Hugh Grant, and he learned how to have a real conversation, we could have really had something there.