During the days when I was dabbling in acting, I was cast in a very low budget theater production in a starring role which allowed me to have solos in singing, tap dancing, and swing dancing. I was very proud at the time, so of course I forced all of my friends to come and painfully sit through it. I’m pretty sure most of my friends snuck out early which, looking back now, I can’t really blame them. I believe my friend Raven even gave the back handed compliment of “Parker, you were by far the best thing about that show. I think the show itself was more painful then having my wisdom teeth removed, and if you hadn’t been there it might have been the first time I’d ever thrown things at a stage.” I managed to muster up a "Gee, thanks".
There was a boy in the show that I didn’t talk to much but developed a huge crush on. His name was Charlie. His character was charming and adorable and my favorite part of rehearsals became watching his scenes from backstage. After our final performance we had our cast party at a local bar and after a few martinis I found myself feeling very bold and chatting with my crush. By the end of the evening the rest of the cast had left the bar aside from me and Charlie. After making out for a while and realizing we were getting dirty looks from the bartender, we decided to leave the bar. He asked me if I’d want to have dinner the following evening. I agreed to meet at his place around 7 and with one last kiss we went our separate ways.
The next night I was at Charlie’s house around 7:20, only 20 minutes past the scheduled time which was pretty damn early for me since I was prone to tardiness. He’d called me earlier to ask if I’d mind him making dinner instead of us going out. I thought this was a sweet gesture, pretty romantic actually. That is until he opened the door shirtless, gave me a kiss, and asked if I’d mind stirring the macaroni and cheese on the stove while he ran back to change. I said I didn’t mind and proceeded to stir the mac and cheese. Not homemade but the kind you get in a box that costs about a dollar. As I stirred I tried not to be judgmental about the fact that, while he had a hot body, I didn’t see why he hadn’t had the time to put a shirt on before answering the door, or the fact that there didn’t appear to be anything else cooking on the stove other than the “gourmet pasta” I was stirring. He was, after all, a poor struggling actor. But just then I saw something I couldn’t help but judge. I looked over at the computer monitor sitting on his desk and saw his screensaver. It was his headshot bouncing around on the screen. Apparently he wanted to be able see his face from any area of the apartment in case he didn’t have time to make it to a mirror. I mean, wow. Talk about full of yourself. He finally came back to the kitchen and asked if I liked fish. I said I sure did and brightened up a bit at the thought of some salmon or halibut he was possibly going to make and then he opened the can of tuna. Sigh. We had a meal consisting of tuna mixed with mac and cheese and cheap wine. Thank God for the wine because the dinner was quite painful aside from just the food. Turns out I was way more attracted to Charlie’s character in the show than I was to the actual Charlie. At least that made him a good actor, so he had that going for him.
After plenty of wine, and when I’d had about as much of his self centered actor talk as I could stomach, I figured what better way to shut him up then to make out with him. After a while we ended up in his bedroom (which also happened to be the living room in his studio apartment), and after it seemed clear where we were heading with this he put on a condom. Literally 2 minutes later we were finished. The worst part is he looked so proud of himself and I couldn’t help shaking my head. We fell asleep shortly thereafter and in the morning he wanted a repeat of the night before. I was a little hesitant but figured maybe since the first time was out of the way he’d be able to step it up a notch with the longevity. About 1 ½ minutes in he stopped and looked at me with wide eyes. I asked him what was wrong and he said um, I think the condom fell off. Fucking really?! What do you mean it fell off, I asked. How does a condom just fall off? He got very flustered and I could tell he felt badly but I couldn’t help the irritation that was growing. After about a half hour in the bathroom trying to find the escaped condom, I gave up. I came out and told him I had to go. He asked if there was anything he could do. I snapped back at him that unless he could rewind to the time before I ever came over last night then no, there was nothing he could do. I was even more irritated because I was leaving the next day for a week long vacation to Mexico, and there was no way I was leaving the country in this state. I told him I had to run and make it to my doctor’s office before he was gone for the day and I left.
At my doctor’s office I had to embarrassingly tell the receptionist what I was in for, and repeat it when she asked me to speak up since she couldn’t hear me. I’m certain at least 3 people in the waiting room heard me and snickered. As I lay in my robe on the examining table wondering how in the hell I got here, thinking it couldn’t get any worse, my doctor came in and told me medical students were there that day following him and asked if I'd mind them joining him for the examination. Really?! Today?! Right now for THIS appointment? Why couldn't there be students shadowing him when I'd come in to have my throat checked out last month?! At this point I was certain I was dreaming, that this was the kind of thing that only happened in movies, but I assure you...this happened. I didn’t want to be disagreeable so I mumbled something about it being fine. So there I was with not 2 but 3 men witnessing one of the most embarrassing moments I’d ever have.
After I left the office I went home to pack and Charlie called me. He asked how everything went and I told him things went swimmingly, thanks for asking. He seemed hurt by my sarcasm but for some reason I couldn’t force myself not to blame him. I didn’t want to tell him that the sex was sooooo not worth all this hassle. He told me to call him when I got back from Mexico, I told him to take care. That was the last time I saw Charlie. He tried calling a few times but I decided it best to ignore him. I figured it’d just make it worse if I told him I couldn’t see him anymore since, because of him, I’d had the worst 2 minutes of my life…twice. Some things are just better left unsaid.
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